somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
operation harelip BJ is a go
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
