Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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