If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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