I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
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