Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize