I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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