smell my finger.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
