Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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