That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
