It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
