I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
