i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize