all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
