hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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