did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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