She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
