do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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