Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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