You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
