Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
