That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
