i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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