how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
