i was rollin on her like bob the builder
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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