You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
