I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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