I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
