Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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