hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
