Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
