Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
is this the sara with the beer cane?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
