I am puke
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Randomize
