Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
