On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
