Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
