Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
