its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
