You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
