Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
