dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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