My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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