I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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