Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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