the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
