i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
