textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
