Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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