dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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