Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
