Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Fuck appropriateness.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
