He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
