barbara walters just said penis...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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