Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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