Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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