so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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