Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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