I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
