I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
