i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize