two words: eviction party
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
