I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
