K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
