Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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