Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
