we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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