I think i sorta joined a cult last night
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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