Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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