A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
