i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I can't turn off my feet"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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